Family boundaries: navigating Thanksgiving without losing yourself
With Katia Al Najjar, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying), Therapist in Training
For some people, Thanksgiving means looking forward to spending time with family. For others, it can bring a mix of excitement, stress, and everything in between. Family gatherings can bring up conversations or situations that are difficult to navigate. Maybe someone asks a question that feels a little too personal, an old disagreement comes up again, or you find yourself saying yes to things because, in the moment, it just feels easier than saying no. Even when there is a lot of love within a family, boundaries can still be difficult.
The holidays can make it especially easy to put your own needs aside because you want everyone else to have a good time. This Thanksgiving, it may be worth taking a moment to think about where your boundaries are and what you need to feel comfortable, connected, and present.
What do boundaries actually look like?
When people hear the word “boundaries,” it can sometimes sound like something big or intimidating. But boundaries can actually be pretty simple. A boundary might mean saying, “I’d rather not talk about that today,” when someone asks a question that feels too personal. It might mean changing the subject, stepping outside for a few minutes, or deciding ahead of time that you’re going to leave after dinner instead of staying for the entire evening.
And sometimes, you don’t know exactly what your boundary is until you’re in the situation. Boundaries aren’t about telling someone else what they are allowed to do. They’re about recognizing what feels okay for you and deciding how you want to respond when something doesn’t. Sometimes, that response might simply be stepping away.
Why can setting boundaries with family feel so uncomfortable?
Family relationships usually come with a lot of history. You may have grown up being the person who keeps the peace, avoids conflict, says yes, or makes sure everyone else is okay. So when you start doing something differently, it can feel odd. You might feel guilty for saying no, worry that someone will be disappointed or get upset with you, or even wonder if you’re being selfish for putting a boundary in place.
But feeling guilty doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong. Sometimes guilt shows up simply because you’re doing something unfamiliar. You may even know exactly what you want to say beforehand, only to completely forget your words when someone puts you on the spot. That’s why it can help to think about these situations before you’re sitting around the Thanksgiving table.
Four ways to make family boundaries a little easier this Thanksgiving
1. Decide what you need before you arrive
Think about what tends to be difficult for you at family gatherings. Are there certain conversations you’d rather avoid? How long are you comfortable staying? Do you need some quiet time before or after the gathering? Is there someone you know you may need a little extra space from?
You don’t need to plan for every possible situation. Just having a general idea of what you need can make it easier to recognize when you’re reaching your limit. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is simply check in with yourself before the gathering instead of waiting until you’re already overwhelmed.
2. Have a few responses ready
It can be surprisingly hard to know what to say when someone catches you off guard. Having a few simple responses in mind ahead of time can take some of that pressure off, especially if you know there are certain topics or situations that tend to come up.
You might say, “I’d rather not talk about that today,” “Let’s change the subject,” “I’m not comfortable discussing that,” or “I’m going to take a little break.” You don’t need to give a long explanation or defend your decision. Sometimes a simple response is enough. And if you need to repeat yourself, you can. You don’t have to come up with a new explanation every time someone asks.
3. Give yourself permission to step away
Taking a break doesn’t mean you’re being rude or causing a problem. Sometimes you just need a few minutes in another room, a walk outside, or some quiet time sitting in your car before going back inside. Stepping away can give you a chance to collect yourself rather than reacting in the moment.
If a conversation becomes heated or you start feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to step away rather than trying to push through it. You can always come back to the conversation later if you want to, and sometimes you may decide that you don’t want to come back to it at all.
4. Remember that you can’t control someone else’s reaction
This can be one of the hardest parts of setting boundaries with family. Someone might question your decision, become frustrated, or ask why you can’t just let something go. You can’t control how someone responds to your boundary, but you can control what you do next.
You can repeat your boundary, change the subject, leave the conversation, or, if you’ve reached your limit, decide that it’s time to go home. The other person doesn’t have to agree with your boundary for you to have one.
Give yourself some grace this Thanksgiving
There’s a lot that goes into family gatherings, and sometimes the day simply doesn’t go the way you hoped it would. A conversation might be uncomfortable, plans might change, someone might say something that gets under your skin, or you might realize that you’ve had enough and need some space. That’s okay.
You don’t have to handle every situation perfectly, and you don’t have to make everyone happy. Family relationships can be complicated, and setting boundaries may not always feel easy, especially when you’re used to putting other people’s needs first. But knowing what you need and having a plan for how you’ll respond can make those difficult moments a little easier to navigate.
You can enjoy time with your family and still need a break. You can love people and still have limits. And you can want connection without saying yes to everything. This Thanksgiving, try to leave a little room for yourself, too.
Katia Al Najjar, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)
Therapist in Training
At Holly Blue Psychotherapy Group, we take a collaborative approach to online therapy in Ontario. If you are looking for support this holiday season, we are here to help.
Katia uses Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and other evidence-based approaches to support individuals, relationships and families in navigating boundaries and life transitions.
Click the link below to contact us for a free 15-minute consultation.
